I will celebrate my 12th wedding anniversary this year, but it will also be the 17th anniversary of when the one and only Handsome Hubby asked me to “go out” with him, be his main squeeze (he didn’t say that), the love of his life (he didn’t say that either till a few months later), to complete him and make him whole (he didn’t say that either, but I know it’s true…he’d be lost without me.)
I’m no expert on the subject. Heck, maybe I’m doing it all wrong. But, you guys, for seriously, marriage is hard. Really hard.
I don’t know. Back in the day, back when I first started dating my husband, there were butterflies. Oh, the butterflies. I used to see him coming down the hall at school and my heart would almost pitter-patter right out of my chest. He would smile at me and look at me like I was the only person in the world worth looking at. And I felt the same way about him. He was the cutest and funniest and I just loved that he was mine.
Then we got married. Well, not like right then. I mean, give us a break. We were just getting out of high school. We both had college to deal with, which we did, and THEN we got married.
And then there was the newlywed stage. We had a little condo with no children and no responsibilities. We could do whatever we wanted whenever and wherever we wanted. (Hint: I’m talking about S-E-X). Oh, that? Yeah, that….among other things. Like if we wanted to sit on the couch naked and do nothing, we could, because there was no little people to worry about.
But soon enough the children came, and all of a sudden we couldn’t be selfish any more. All of a sudden my focus, which used to be solely on what would make the Hubs happy, had to be focused on what would stop the crying and fussing and spitting up and DEAR GOD will they ever sleep through the night??? Yeah, it got a little hairy up in here.
But they grow up. They’re not little forever, but boy do they still know how to suck everything you have out of you and then some. And still my main focus isn’t so much what will make the Hubs happy, it’s what will make my children happy. Because it turns out that parenthood never stops. Worrying about your children never stops. Trying to raise them to not be screw-ups, that job, it never stops.
So here we sit, 17 years later, and I feel like we are just numb. The memories of how it used to be are so far away. The butterflies aren’t there as much. You guys, I don’t hold my farts in any more. I can’t. It hurts my tummy. And, letsbehonest, he’s seen babies and gross after birth and some really gnarly shiz come out of my va-china. Plus, he has stomach problems and spends a good majority of his time on the toilet. Our conversations usually take place in the bathroom. The romance has flown the coop with the butterflies and hearts and starry-eyed looks we used to give each other.
It’s just so hard to stay connected. I’m selfish and I know it. (I just sang that to the tune of “I’m Sexy and I know it”.) But, for realz, I want to do things for me. I get tired of being the mom and the wife. I want to go out and make myself happy and screw you, Handsome Hubs. I want to be single and not have to give two shits who I’m pissing off by doing what I’m doing. Confession: I’ve thought about how nice it would be to be divorced and have the one-night-a-week-and-every-other-weekend arrangement. The alone time would feel so glorious!
But the truth of the matter is, I love my little family. And I do love my husband. He’s a good man with an abundance of awesome qualities (and a few I-want-to-punch-you-in-the-face qualities.) I’m willing to work for what we have because it’s worth it to me. It’s worth it to me that my children grow up in a home with two parents. I want them to see that their mother and father love each other, made them out of love, and continue to fight (not literally. we may have lost a little of our spark, but we don’t Jerry Springer it) for each other.
So that’s it. You may be thinking how lucky you are because you just gel with your spouse and your life is perfect and you just shit out giggles and sunshine and never want to kick your spouse in the nuts. Good for you if that’s the case.
But in my case, my marriage is imperfect and hard. Here and now I’m acknowledging it and making a promise to myself to work on getting it back. I don’t want to always harp on the annoy things the Hubs can do because there are so many things he does that I’m thankful for. And for as much as our marriage can be a struggle, it really is pretty easy too when you’re married to someone who does respect you and wants to be there for you and your kids, who makes you laugh, and is willing to put in the effort it takes to make it work no matter what.
Besides, he’s it for me. If this doesn’t work out, I’m never getting married again. Think about it, it takes a few years before you can toot or poop in front of somebody, and I ain’t trying to hold that shit in (literally) any more. I’m too old and my body can’t take it.